My Feet

You know, normally, I am a person who is confidently moving in the direction which I am supposed to move. I can tell, I can feel that I'm supposed to be doing what I am doing. Lately I can't seem to feel the path with my feet. I'm wondering somewhere in the woods, and I have no idea which direction I'm supposed to me moving in.

I felt confidently that we were supposed to leave Bellingham. I felt that we were going to find opportunities elsewhere, and indeed, Jim has this teaching gig and has been offered a couple of summer classes, but the future after that is hazy, as it often is for adjunct faculty during an economic downturn. I felt that "the force" was propelling me from Bellingham and into a world of possibility and fun.

I am not sure now what's up. I'm not particularly happy at the moment, and that could be due to a variety of factors including feeling guilty that my toddler doesn't have a yard in which to ride his bike or that when I look out my windows I often see cars driving past, or that I miss my doggy terribly (though I feel confident that he is perfectly happy and being well taken care of by my dog-loving mother-in-law who has nothing to do but pet doggies), or that I don't have a vehicle here (we decided to try one-car-ing-it), or that I miss my bike and guitar. I wouldn't say that I miss Bellingham, but I miss my previous existence, and I feel that as a parent it is my job to provide Huggins with outdoor play space and a doggy, so I am feeling guilty about that.

And, I thought I'd be teaching (at least subbing) by now. I'm being held hostage by the Teaching Practices Commission who is so far behind they're maybe gonna have my cred to me by the fall.

It's like I have this wealth of data and I'm not able to analyze it because I'm not sure what the graph looks like, so I don't know what any thing MEANS right now. I keep thinking, huh, I wonder what that means. For example: We ALMost sold one of our houses, they signed all the paperwork and we got to the very very very end, and right before the escrow/closing date phase they backed out. They had to give up their earnest money and everything. But what does that mean? Jim and I are talking about the possibility of moving back (temporarily) to this house and turning it into a duplex (can be done with one shower and a door), and working on both houses-painting etc.. I wonder if it is even a good move to sell the houses. That's another topic altogether. Certainly we'd make more money on the rental if it was a duplex and if Jim didn't have fall or winter classes, we could live in Bellingham for 6 months.. Hmmm...

And what's up with my lack of employment? I know it's only been 4 months since I got my credential, and I'm a brand new teacher and no one is hiring, but I'm not even being interviewed. Hmm.. Interesting, I wonder what it means.

In good news: My Dad with cancer is taking a drug that is shrinking his tumor- go dad! and I've found a glorious community center, part of Portland Parks & Recs and I LOVE it, they have two lovely pools, free drop in Yoga, Pilates, Zumba, Dance classes and cheap drop in childcare. Simply GLORious.